If You Are Trying To Control Another Person, You Need To Control Yourself.

It is your insecurity speaking.

E For Expression
3 min readDec 27, 2020

Nobody wants to be controlled by another person unwillingly. But, we can see a person trying to control another once in a while. This can be quite common in parenting and marriage. Even if the intent of the attempt is innocent, it can have unforeseen harm to the parties involved.


After making people in the state as the controller desired, the controller may temporarily feel better than their previous state. However, the people may harbor resentment towards the controller.

Over time, the accumulated resentments may eventually become an emotional explosion directed at the controller and other people. Resulting in an undesired catastrophe.

Manipulative Tendencies

However, the controller may or may not know about the cause of the need for control. This need is an indication of the imbalanced mental, physical, and emotional state.

Unfortunately, instead of managing the internal insecurity, the controller tries to get a sense of security from managing the people and surroundings. If the controller manages to change the people and surroundings, and feel better than before, the controller may be encouraged to do the same again in similar situations.

Survival Instinct

The need to be in control is a natural survival instinct. Without a sense of security from control, fear can easily take over. Thus, leading to the need to fight and gain control.

However, the confusion of what is necessary for control has to be cleared up. With higher imaginative power than primitives, perceived dangers may easily be an imagination rather than an actual circumstance.

What To Do

If you realized that you have been the controller, you may want to:

  • Journal and review your reactions after the situations. Identify the triggers that started the incident and access whether the reaction is necessary.
  • Take a few breaths before reacting during situations. It is to stop your habitual reaction and think before acting.
  • Consult a therapist. It can be hurting you and the others if unresolved.

If you realized that you are being controlled, you may want to:

  • Practice saying ‘No’. Be assertive in refusing to do what you are not comfortable with.
  • Keep personal information to yourself. Oversharing allows the controller to use your information to control you.
  • Avoid or minimize interactions with the controller. Reduce the amount of time spent with the controller can put you in clarity to make clear decisions.
  • Remove yourself from arguments with the controller. There is no need to argue with a controller as the controller will keep twisting words to suit the agenda.
  • Consult professional advice. If it becomes abusive, it is important to seek external help to put yourself out of danger.

Final Message

Often, the external requires much effort from us to make changes to it. If we continuously work on controlling every minor detail around us, it can drain us in many undesirable ways. At the same time, there may not even be a need to.

As we have the most control over our thoughts and emotions, we can simply avoid or minimize the damage to ourselves by simply focusing on ourselves. As such, if you are tempted to control others, take a step back, and reconsider. You may need to control yourself instead.